Getting back inside your own head!

Do you find yourself obsessing about your ex or the relationship? Keep rehashing conversations or even arguments in your head and wondering why on earth they couldn’t see or understand things your way? Or perhaps you are constantly wondering what you did wrong or could have done differently to change the way they feel. Maybe you spend most of your time making choices and decisions based on what you think their response will be. “If he/ she see me doing this they will realise what they are missing”

It’s quite normal to spend time trying to make sense of things but when it turns into constantly obsessing about your ex then it’s not helping you. It’s only serving to keep you stuck in the past and stopping you from moving on.

It’s time to get back into your own head and focus on yourself. There may have been things that in hindsight you could have done differently, but you didn’t and there may be things that you could improve about yourself but that doesn’t mean that you are not a loveable and worthwhile person. Whatever the reason that your relationship went wrong it has happened and yes there are things that you can learn from it so that you have better relationships in the future, but first you need to refocus on yourself so that you can create the space to do and have what you want in your life.

This kind of habit can be hard to kick and you will need to be tough with yourself, especially in the beginning. But remember if you are obsessing about your ex, then you are not paying any attention to yourself and your own needs.

Here are three key steps to bringing the focus back to you.

1. Living in the now

A great way of bringing the focus back to you is to remember that the only time that really exists is NOW. The past and the future are only there in your imagination. The past has happened and what you have is a memory of your interpretation of events and the future is your imagination deciding what it thinks will happen.

When you find yourself obsessing about the past or what you think will happen in the future, bring yourself back to what is happening NOW for YOU. What are you doing right now that you can become more consciously aware of? Are you at work or out shopping, perhaps you are sitting at home in front of the TV.

Whatever it is that you are doing; practise giving it your FULL ATTENTION. You will find that with after a while you will be able to stay focused on yourself and what is going on for you much easier.

2. Do things that energise you

Think about you and who or what you enjoy. There are a host of ways that you can energise yourself. Think about the following and make a commitment to yourself to increase your activity in the areas that appeal to you the most.

• Which people energise you?
• What activities do you enjoy?
• What treats do you like?
• What would you love to learn?
• What hobbies or interests did you used to have?

Spending time doing things that energise you will help to build up your levels of happiness and self esteem and will allow you to separate yourself from getting stuck in the past. There is usually always something that you would have stopped doing or made changes to as a result of being in your last relationship. Find out what they are and start doing them again if they make you feel good about yourself.


3. Express gratitude

We all have things in our life that we are grateful for but often we forget to pay them any attention. We tend to think about and remember the bad things that happen and forget all the good things that happen every day. When you only think about the bad things it can seriously affect the way you see yourself and your behaviour. Your behaviour affects your outcome and this can keep you in a negative cycle of thought.

Start a gratitude journal and put in it all the good things that happen to you every day. The smallest things can be a boost when you take notice of them. Don’t write down anything negative, only positive thoughts about what you are grateful for. For example “I am grateful that I arrived at work safely this morning” or “I am grateful that I like the people I work with” perhaps you are grateful that you have a really good friend that you can talk to, or that you are enjoying the book you are reading.

There are lots of little things everyday that you have to be grateful for. Focus on what you do have in your life and not what you don’t. Think about the people that you know and what they bring to your life. If you find that you keep thinking about the bad things that happen then think about the good things that have come from it. What did the experience teach you?


Remember that hard times and challenges make you stronger and by bringing your focus back to yourself you will be able to take what you need from the experience and use it to create a better life and relationship for yourself in the future.

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Keep comparing everyone to your ex?

I was speaking to a client the other day about a new guy that she was dating. She was talking about how she quite liked him and was enjoying his company on dates but she kept comparing him to her ex and looking for the same spark that she felt when she first met her ex. Now she totally recognises that her ex was all wrong for her and that the relationship was a disaster from the begining, but everytime she met someone new she couldn't seem to stop herself from comparing them and finding something missing.

Now I know from talking to other people that this is a common occurance when starting to date again after a serious relationship, and that lots of people have trouble letting go of the past and looking forward to the future.

When people connect in a way that makes them feel that they have found the one and this is it, it can be difficult to let go of the things that attracted you to that person in the first place. Yes in all relationships there are good times and Yes there will be things about that person that you will miss. But what are you really missing? Is it the person or the patterns that the relationship allowed you to play out?

Ultimately when you first make that type of connection with someone it would have very probably been a need or pattern within yourself that would have made the subconscious connection to the other person being able to meet that need.

As the client in question stated this new guy seemed too 'nice' and she felt that there was a lack of excitement in that fact. She wasn't used to a 'nice' guy and didn't know how to react and behave with a 'nice' guy. To her the excitement and connection that she felt when she first met her ex was that here was someone she would have to work hard at getting and keeping and that he was slightly bad in someway. And guess what? that's exactly what he turned out to be.

What causes women to continually fall for the bad guy? is also a question that nice guys often ask. Well its not necessarily the guy - it's the patterns of behaviour that are triggered and when those patterns have replayed themselves a few times, that's what the subconscious is attracted to.

What can you do about these patterns - start to recognise where they are occuring and slowly train yourself with new patterns. In the case of my client, she decided to relax and get used to know what it's like to date a nice guy, so that even if he wasn't the one, she would know how to compare what it felt like to be treated well and be able to recognise that more in the future.

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Fresh Start Relationship Coach

For more information on How to get over the pain of a past relationship so you can take your life to a new level visit www.susansavery.co.uk